OY VAY

so it comes to this.......... just returned from disneyland with two of my 3 great kids. Em almost 21 and laura 23. I look at a pic from the weekend and OMG that's me??????? That big fat whale of a gal? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???? I guess I know, but never wanted to acknowledge the weight gain, but now it is no longer impossible not to acknowledge. I am huge.

OK..... reality. I was a chubby kid. I grew up struggling with my weight since i was a kid. chrisco fat in the can, i was called, even by my "lovely" mother. College, fat, then lean, then fat then lean. when i married in 1980, i starved myself to be 120 pounds. I literally starved myself. It was not fun, but i did it. then the babies started coming, and it was the first time in a long time i ate what i wanted it it was fun! BUT my husband at the time was a weight natzi so i had then had to restrict what i ate and exercise. I began to be bulemic instead of anorexic. One day as I was throwing up my steak dinner, a piece got logged in my throat, i was choking to death kneeling in front of a toilet, family downstairs, not aware of what was going on.

I prayed to God to help me, and promised to never throw up again, I was dying, gasping for air that would not come. All of a sudden, the chunk came up, and I was saved. I never threw up after that again. I made a pact and will stick with it.

I got divorced, moved, lost weight and was feeling great, exercising and eating right. Met a guy, fell in love, he was a large man, he loved to eat....fabulous i thought. Buffets, meat, taters, the all of it. Sad to say... here came the weight. But he loved me for me and didnt care so i didnt care. Well, things didnt work out, he was found to be a perv.... ewww......... and was made to leave the house immediately.

well.. he left, but the pounds stayed, and then added on. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am happy, i eat when i am sad. I have gained wayyyyyyyyyyy too much weight. My sister died last year and I gained 30 pounds from it.......... now its time to stop. i tell my kids this, but they have heard it before. i dont stick to diets too well. i get going, lose 20, then gain it back. what makes this time any different?

I think it's because i am feeling so gross. i dont want this anymore. My bf is dealing with health issues and he has had to modify his food plan and is doing great. If he can do it, i can too. so.......... here's to the new me.

here is my plan..............

the 6 week makeover plan worked out great before, tho it involves ALOT of tuna. And that's ok with me now. HELL>.......it's not forever!!! AND i am going to walk. I was sooooo out of breath this weekend it wasn't even funny. I should not be like this and will not!1 NO WAY.. no deal howie.... as my Em would say :)

How i love my kids!!!!

so i am blogging to keep me real. I am real here............and I am going to be honest and say i am scared, but it will all work out! So today is my last hurrah day, eating what i want....... will go shopping tonight for my salads, fish, yams, water, vegies.